On a scale from 1-10 "Nine" gets a Zero

This was painful. I had actually been looking forward to this film. I do enjoy a musical. But there is no excuse for "Nine". It was rated PG-13 for smoking and sexuality but I would be amazed if anyone under the age of 13 could even stay awake long enough to get through the opening number. Scratch that, I can't imagine ANYONE staying awake for this thing.

I really thought there was going to be a revival of the Hollywood movie musical with "Chicago", "Moulin Rouge", and even "Hairspray". Boy, was I wrong. I found "Across the Universe" to be so cringe-inducing I didn't even finish watching. With "Nine" I gritted my teeth to make it the whole way through for this blog. I decided it was so bad that I had to watch it to warn anyone else away.

Such a shame. I mean, Dame Judy Dench, Daniel Day Lewis, Nicole Kidman, Sophia Loren and Marion Cotillard all came together to make this tripe. If that isn't a group of Oscar winners/Screen Legends, I don't know what is.

The film started out dull and just got duller. The musical numbers were bland and the singing was execrable. The only bright spot through the whole thing was Cotillard (looking very much like Audrey Hepburn) but one performance does not a movie make. I find this to be a case of false advertising. The trailer made it appear quick and snappy, the final product was plodding and humorless.

Aside from the music part of this musical, I think I had a problem with the story itself. It is an age-old musical trick to make a movie about "putting on a show" think "Summer Stock", "White Christmas", "Singin In the Rain", and about a million others. In this case, not a single person was even remotely happy. There was no sense of joining together to make it work. In fact, it was just the opposite. This film was about making a film that never got made.

In the process of not making his film, Maestro Guido Contini (Daniel Day Lewis) systematically alienates his mistress, his wife, a female reporter and just about everyone else in his life. His treatment of these women is baffling. He alternately claims to love then abandons both his mistress and his wife, he goes to the room of the reporter (who he appears to find ridiculous) then leaves her, and he tries to get his leading lady to agree to be in a film with no script where she will play many women in love with one man (she turns him down). With every disappointment he curls up in the fetal position on a work table in his costume designer's studio. Pathetic.

If you've read this far I think it is safe to say you have spent as much time with this film as anyone should ever have to. Please avoid at all costs.

The Young Victoria

I had really been looking forward to getting this movie from Netflix. I realized that I knew very little about Queen Victoria and the Victorian Era. Most of what I know comes from the second half of her more than 63 year reign, when she was a widow and the ruler of an empire.

This film, as the title indicates, is about her just before she becomes Queen and the first 4 years of her reign. It was fascinating to see that she began to reign only 1 month after her 18th birthday. Her uncle, the king, held out just long enough for her to come of age to avoid having to hand over control of Great Britain to her mother (and her mother's controlling advisor).

I do love a period piece, and this was no exception. Rent it, if you feel the same way, and you won't be disappointed.

HOCKEY HOCKEY HOCKEY!

First, a question: Why on earth does professional hockey, clearly a winter sport, not complete its season until JUNE? If the Stanley Cup series goes until the last game, it won't be over until June 11! From the NHL.com website, it looks like the season begins in September. With the possible exception of NASCAR (depending on whether or not that can really be considered a sport) hockey has the longest season of any American professional sport. This year, the Chicago Blackhawks will be playing the Philadelphia Flyers for the championship. Chicago is already 1 up in the series.

It is a strange thing to leave your apartment in the middle of the day and have Cubs fans stumbling around your neighborhood and Blackhawks fans screaming in your ears. I say: One or the other, please! There should be a rule against this type of doubling up of sports.

I feel I must explain this tirade: My cable isn't working properly (when I hit "Guide" the screen goes blank, when it should really be showing me the programs across channels) so when I turned it on this morning to HBO and a documentary about the Philadelphia Flyers came on, I didn't bother changing the channel. The film nearly had me crying when it went on about downtrodden Philly, those losers of the 70's and how a hard-scrabble bunch of fighters brought them pride. The team wins the Stanley Cup twice in '74 and '75 then goes on in '76 to defeat the Russian team, single-handedly saving the U.S.A. from the terror of Communism.



This made me stop and think. What do Philadelphia, punching, underdogs, and beaten Commies have in common? ROCKY! and Rocky rhymes with Hockey! If you leave out the original Rocky, wherein the southpaw is just edged out by Apollo Creed (and completely disregard Rocky V, which should go without saying), Rocky II, III, and IV very closely parallel the story of the Broad Street Brawlers. Coincidence? I think not.

Sylvester Stallone should really explain himself.

The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus

As promised, I am woefully behind the curve on this one. Since I rarely go to the movies in Chicago, I waited for this one to come out on DVD. I now regret that. The cinematography is gorgeous and each scene is a feast for the eyes. I can only imagine that it would have been that much more impressive on the silver screen.

For those of you who may be unaware, The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus is a Terry Gilliam film, perhaps most famous for being Heath Ledger's final performance. The actor's death occurred in the middle of filming and three other actors stepped up to take his place in the unfilmed Imaginarium scenes. These actors were Johnny Depp, Jude Law, and Colin Farrell, all friends of Heath Ledger.

Terry Gilliam has a history of making box-office failures that turn into cult classics. He often goes way over budget (as with The Adventures of Baron Munchausen) or casts actors that, for one reason or another, are unable to be on set when needed (as documented inLost in LaMancha). I have seen, and enjoyed, many of his films including those listed above as well as Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, Brazil, Tideland, and Monty Python and the Holy Grail. I even liked the not-brilliant Brother's Grimm.

Imaginarium may be my favorite so far. I love the idea that stories are what makes the world real and that there is not just one story, but many. On top of that, there is the Faustian devil dealing and a fight for souls. What makes the struggle between "good", Parnassus, and "evil", Mr. Nick, so appealing is that those souls have a choice. They may take the more difficult but more rewarding path, or they may go with their baser instincts and suffer the consequences. Even "good" vs. "evil" is more than it appears.

I think my enjoyment of Gilliam films stems from the fact that his message is so consistent and his visuals are amazing. There is always this sense that stories and imagination and dreams are the reality. This seems to be the way Gilliam makes his films, as well. First he finds or dreams up his story then he makes it happen, never asking along the way "is this even possible?"

Writing Women

I just watched "The Reader" today. It brought to mind a complaint that I have had for a while concerning female characters in novels.
Recently I have read and/or watched novels and films written by men that have strong, relatable, imperfect women among the characters. Firstly, there is "The Reader", written by a German lawyer about a boy who falls in love with an older woman only to later find out that she was a member of the SS and had previously committed terrible crimes against humanity. This woman should be a completely unsympathetic character but she is so believable and human that you cannot help feeling conflicted about her. I was stunned by her when I read the novel a few years ago. In the film she is played bye Kate Winslet (arguably the greatest actress of her generation) who does a great job. She rightfully won the oscar for that performance.
Another example is "The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo". Lisbeth Salander is the life-blood of the series. She is complex and unapologetic. It is she who comes to the rescue of the "hero" in the first book not the other way around.
These are just two examples I came up with off the top of my head. Admittedly, I don't read a whole lot by women, but the stuff that I do read comes across quite hollow. It seems that female authors try to write women the way they would like to be. Prettier, thinner, richer, etc. I cannot think of the last modern novel I read with a respectable heroine written by a woman.
It seems to me that the best women written, are written by men. I would love for someone to prove me wrong.

The New Karate Kid*

26 years after the original, 16 years after the last, The Karate Kid is back.

There is no denying that original and best was Ralph Macchio as Daniel Larusso, the underdog from NYC. He fought and won against the Cobra Kai, an Okinawan mob, and finally, Fear itself. Along the way, he and Pat Morita made film magic. Everyone knows "wax on wax off", the crane, and "Daniel Larusso's gonna fight!"



The "Kid" returned in female form as a rebellious girl (with a pet falcon) played kin of hilariously by Hilary Swank. Swank went on to great things but "The Next Karate Kid" was a bit of a letdown. The one redeeming factor was Mr. Miyagi trying to deal with a girl.

In this latest incarnation, the incomparable Pat Morita is replaced by Jackie Chan and "The Kid" will be played by Jaden Smith. I won't be heading to the theaters but it will definitely make it into my Netflix Queue.

*this post is dedicated to my brother who is a Karate Kid authority

Fantastic Foxes

My father was off hunting in Pennsylvania this past week. He didn't get any game, but he came back with some really sweet pictures of a couple of fox kits. They were living near the camp where he was staying in Warren. Aside from how adorable they are, I was struck by the fact that in the film "Fantastic Mr. Fox" the animators were really quite realistic.

That is, of course, excepting the talking, upright walking and opposable thumbs. But still...

I Want it NOW!

In anticipation of my big drag weekend, I got my hair cut last night. My hair stylist, Miguel (who once told me I reminded him of Veruca Salt) managed to fit me in after a long day of "training".

I thought the training was beauty related, but I was wrong. He is training to become a personal banker!

Anyway, I really like Miguel and I think he cuts my hair well. And while I love "Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory", it is notable for the hideousness of the actors' hair. I know it was just something I said or the way I said it that reminded him of the bratty snob, but that's not much consolation! I just hope he doesn't get a client at the bank who reminds him of, let's say, Uncle Billy

Living for Drag Queens

My mom asked me today what brought about my interest in Drag Queens. I had to tell her it was all her fault. She was the one who rented To Wong Foo and brought it home for me to watch. From the first "Little latin boy in drag, why are you crying?" I was done for.

The appeal, for me, stems from the amazing transformations these men can make. It is also the idea that men, traditionally the more powerful of the sexes, can bring confidence, strength and great humor to their female personas.

When RuPaul's Drag Race began, I was again riveted. The show was great, but it was "Under the Hood" that endeared the cast to me. In the behind-the-scenes footage, the Queens would sit around awaiting the judges decisions. There were insecurities, frustrations, and anger, but there was also sisterhood. It was basically like watching a support group for Drag Queens.

Watch Gay Video & Lesbian Movies

I particularly enjoyed this aspect of the show. I have been extremely fortunate in my friendships and in a world where female friendship is so often portrayed as catty and back-stabbing, these non biological women were more "real" than anyone else on reality television. Certainly more real than those vapid pseudo celebrities on shows like "The Hills". Girls who would sell their so-called friends to the highest bidder if it meant getting the job or the guy. So maybe it isn't so strange that I love Drag Queens, from where I sit, these are the girls I would want to be friends with.

The Nothing

In "The Neverending Story" The Nothing is a thing that destroys everything and leaves nothing. For a better description, you can view this:

Last night, The Nothing came to my room. I was reading before bed and Turtle (my smarter cat) sat straight up and stared directly at my ceiling, right where my light is. The light was not on and there were no strange, moving shadows. Turtle continued to stare for a good five minutes as I tried to figure out what she was seeing. I imagined spiders, centipedes, etc. It was The Nothing! The Nothing took five minutes of my life and turned it into nothing. When Turtle finally broke her vigil, she simply turned around and rubbed her cheek on the corner of my book as if she hadn't just been staring intently at nothing.

And now, The Nothing has struck you!