On a scale from 1-10 "Nine" gets a Zero

This was painful. I had actually been looking forward to this film. I do enjoy a musical. But there is no excuse for "Nine". It was rated PG-13 for smoking and sexuality but I would be amazed if anyone under the age of 13 could even stay awake long enough to get through the opening number. Scratch that, I can't imagine ANYONE staying awake for this thing.

I really thought there was going to be a revival of the Hollywood movie musical with "Chicago", "Moulin Rouge", and even "Hairspray". Boy, was I wrong. I found "Across the Universe" to be so cringe-inducing I didn't even finish watching. With "Nine" I gritted my teeth to make it the whole way through for this blog. I decided it was so bad that I had to watch it to warn anyone else away.

Such a shame. I mean, Dame Judy Dench, Daniel Day Lewis, Nicole Kidman, Sophia Loren and Marion Cotillard all came together to make this tripe. If that isn't a group of Oscar winners/Screen Legends, I don't know what is.

The film started out dull and just got duller. The musical numbers were bland and the singing was execrable. The only bright spot through the whole thing was Cotillard (looking very much like Audrey Hepburn) but one performance does not a movie make. I find this to be a case of false advertising. The trailer made it appear quick and snappy, the final product was plodding and humorless.

Aside from the music part of this musical, I think I had a problem with the story itself. It is an age-old musical trick to make a movie about "putting on a show" think "Summer Stock", "White Christmas", "Singin In the Rain", and about a million others. In this case, not a single person was even remotely happy. There was no sense of joining together to make it work. In fact, it was just the opposite. This film was about making a film that never got made.

In the process of not making his film, Maestro Guido Contini (Daniel Day Lewis) systematically alienates his mistress, his wife, a female reporter and just about everyone else in his life. His treatment of these women is baffling. He alternately claims to love then abandons both his mistress and his wife, he goes to the room of the reporter (who he appears to find ridiculous) then leaves her, and he tries to get his leading lady to agree to be in a film with no script where she will play many women in love with one man (she turns him down). With every disappointment he curls up in the fetal position on a work table in his costume designer's studio. Pathetic.

If you've read this far I think it is safe to say you have spent as much time with this film as anyone should ever have to. Please avoid at all costs.